And here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Ok... Time for a life updated blog. Haven't done one of those in a long long time. In case the previous quote from the infamous Whitesnake song (flashback from the 80s *wooooo scary*) wasn't obvious enough... My marital status has been revert back to its original state. SINGLE. AGAIN. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
I am not sure what to make of it. But after a few months of sorta being single, but not really feeling it, it all came crashing down on me this week. And for that I have one thing to say to the man that made all this happen... Thanks... FOR NOTHING.
Another 4 years of my life, chasing a dream that will never happen. I think this time I have learned a lot. Well, I'm always learning something... But unlike Spanish, this lesson is going to require months of recuperation. The zombie like state that taken over my soul is hard to shake. Been there. Done that. Lets recap, shall-we?
Nick : Oh boy. This one was a doozie! Nick was the very first guy that captured my heart. I even remember the moment I realized that I had fallen in love with this handsome blond blue eyed prince from the west island. (puke) It lasted 7 months, and thanks to him, I saw a side of myself that was so ugly, I knew I would have to do some serious soul searching and self-improvement. But we were so young... It was doomed from the start. Although, I did gain something tremendous. A true friend. Still today, Nick and I are good friends. Not too mention that I am really blessed to have met his mother, a true jewel. Not even a MasterCard commercial can show he true value: Priceless!
Steeve: Now that was something. Just under 3 years. The first two were quite lovely. Then we moved into an apartment in NDG and it got UGLY. After we broke, we never spoke again. I see him once in a while, usually at the mall with the guy I think he's been seeing ever since. I was so fucked up after that relationship, it took me over a year to get my head in the right space again. In the end, I'm glad I met Steeve. Mostly because after we broke up, I became a different person. Although I did loose a fair bit of respect for humanity and became very jaded about gay relationships. I will forever remember the conversation I had with Mark after... Mark if you ever read this... THANK GOODNESS you took those 3 hours to talk to me that night. I wonder what Mark is up too... Have not seen him in years. I hope he's well.
The last one. And the way I feel right now, he will remain, the LAST one. I don't know. Is a gay relationship even possible? We were going on 4 years together. Personally, I would have been perfectly able and happy to turn those 4 years into a 'till death do us part commitment. But I guess I should have known better than to expect that kind of commitment from a gay relationship. I guess that's what it boils down too. My whole believe system is screwed up right now. I used to believe in love, I used to believe in the fact that two people could spend the rest of their lives together... But 3.5 years. I mean for Christ sake. If we can expect to live 84 years in Canada that's 3.5/84*100 = 4.1% of my life. Wow. If this was a financial investment, I wouldn't have even attempted it with such a low rate of return. So why on earth do I get involved with this relationship crap if I can get relatively close to the same return with ING Savings account or Canadian Savings Bond?
Would we waste time in bad investments like that? Well, I sure wouldn't. I have my investments in much safer vehicles such as Index Funds, Real Estate Funds, etc which are currently yielding over 11%. So... Applying the same math 11% of 84 years is 9.24 years. So... Looking at the rate of return of my 3 major relationships, I think it is safe to assume that I have been making bad investments when it comes to affairs of the heart.
When I read Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad, Poor Dad last year, I learned that you must do you research before investing. That you must choose your investments wisely and that you will make bad investments. Its just a matter of figuring out whether or not you can afford these bad investments, then learn from them.
Well, since the main cost of these investments is time, and that already I have squandered 38.1% of my life, I can no longer afford to make bad romantic investments. Trust me, if there is another joint venture on the horizon, it will be the LAST one.
